Solitude

I know, I know you want an update with lots of photos of my growing boys and their silly habits, and I will get to that, I promise. We've been travelling and trying to get back into the swing of things, and to be honest, I really just haven't felt like upkeeping the blog. There really isn't a reason...just haven't been in the mood and have enjoyed doing some other things. But alas I am here, and I'd first like to share what the Lord has been teaching me. You've read several blogs like this from me where I share what the Lord taught me in a day of solitude. It's a planned day, but it's usually more like a 1/2 day when you factor in feeding a baby and taking care of everyday stuff, but Britton does a great job of helping me get that time. It's taken a few months to really figure out how to make it work, but I treasure that time of the month more than anything else. In this phase of life, and a lot of other phases for that matter, my time is very limited and scattered in the Word, but since we've started this day thing, it's really helped me feast on the Lord and His Word filling me up for a while. Sometimes I leave out some things I wrote in my journal, but I write almost everything in these posts. I really just always want my struggles or anything the Lord is teaching me to be shared, so we can always remember we're in this life together. Writing my thoughts here also helps me reflect once again on what the Lord taught me. This is the amazing lunch I get to eat on those days (if I get out). I go to a yummy coffee shop where I get a pastrami Panini, the most delicious tomato soup, and my very own chocolate chip cookie decaf latte smoothie. Oh yeah!

May 27, 2013:
Where to begin this time? Good days and bad days-they come and go. I still often find myself gasping for air from mere exhaustion. I'm so tired. I feel like sleep is extremely hard to come by these days until I simply collapse. The Word seems like a distant memory of the past when I had more time to dig in it and soak it up. I often feel like I have a long distance relationship with the Lord, which I know can only happen for so long. These days of focus always come at just the right time and Britton helps me so much to put my mind at ease. I have never treasured my little boys more than now. Sometimes I spend so much time trying to savor moments that I actually miss moments. My greatest hope whenever I come out of this season of having an overflowing plate from the demands of small children is that as I have more time I will desire to soak up the Word. In this season, I don't want to put the Lord on hold and not have any kind of relationship with Him. My time is so strained, so what does a relationship with Him look like in the midst of stretched time (for me)?
-singing praise as often as I can--this includes my kids and gives us all an upbeat spirit
-begin every day with concentrated thoughts in pr@yer on the Lord's dependency for the day (this is done in the 10 minutes I'm getting ready for the day)
-taking moments when nursing or having a free moment to read through a devotional (this is especially helpful to have the kindle app--can download books, devotionals, and the Word)
-take 10-15 minutes a night to get in the Word in some way and on my knees to once again confess my dependency on Him
-have family devotions incorporating singing, reading, pr@ying and pr@ying for others
-taking retreats at least once a month to rest and refocus
(these are aims, goals, and things that keep my mind and heart focused but are not always strictly carried out...and that's ok!)

Because I actually have some time alone and completely away from kids, I'm following a devotional by Jen Hatmaker called "Makeover: Revitalizing the many roles you fill." My roles are endless: believer, wife, mother, daughter, friend, cook, house cleaner, homemaker, hair-dresser, language learner, employer, on and on. It's exhausting, but the Lord is the One who has made me and given me every role I have. This is a 6 week devotional and the last day of every week does a specific Scriptural study.
This is my personal study on Galatians 5:1-6 adapted from her questions:

Gal. 5:1-Jesus has set us free from the law and led us to grace and faith. "Stand firm"--I cannot be burdened by a yoke of slavery. I must stand firm against being a 'slave' to my various roles and realize it is Christ who has given me these roles. I become burdened by or entangled in these roles when I pressure myself to be perfect in all of them. I've not been called to perfection-I've been called to a life under grace and mercy, to be faithful and obedient.

-Gal. 5:2-The actions I'm pressured into to gain God's acceptance is again to try to be perfect in every role He's given me. Faithfulness and obedience are NOT the same as perfection. Sometimes obedience will call me to be very imperfect in some areas. There are pressures to have an appearance of a calming/peaceful day. Sometimes I feel pressured into thinking if you have this beautiful quiet time in the morning then your day beautifully unfolds into a peaceful day including obedient children, a praising husband, and peaceful sleep. Christ is of NO value in this life because you are trying to please others, not Him.

-Gal. 5:3-4-It is a yoke of slavery to submit to the law because you are no longer under grace -you must be perfect and this is not possible. I am trying so hard to please the Lord, but my actions are essentially trying to please others and end up pleasing no one. As I work endlessly in my roles-even for God-I feel alienated from Christ and so far away because I'm operating under the law. **Any time I feel like a failure, it is because I'm burdening myself with a yolk of slavery under the law, rather than living under grace. There is SO much freedom under grace (so much freedom from myself!). 'Falling away from grace' means I'm trying to live a works-based salvation.

-Gal. 5:5-6-I try to please the Lord with works in hopes that I will attain righteousness quicker. I don't want to have to go through what the Lord knows will help me actually attain righteousness. His refinement may hurt, but it is so fulfilling. I don't earn my righteousness by being a good wife, mom, or believer. I get it by a life of faith expressing itself through love. What might have no value to Jesus though I thought it did (in the verse, the example is circumcision. The Jews thought circumcision was strictly required, yet Jesus saw it as ritualistic)? For me, the things I thought Jesus valued (and He does to some degree, but not to the degree I put on it) are having an organized, slotted devotional time; having a clean, happy home; having happy children. Faith is all that counts. I need to get rid of all this pressure and burdens of a 'perfect' life and live in the grace I am under. I need to accept I am a sinner in need of a Savior. **My children will thank me for having this attitude otherwise they too will have pressure to be perfect. The Lord values me outside the things I do, and He needs to mature me, not change me, into who I already am. I'm not treasured because of what I do. I'm not treasured because my home is always orderly. I'm not treasured for my perfect responses to my husband or my patient responses to my children. I'm not treasured because I help my friends. I'm treasured because God loves me. My successes and failures don't dictate His feelings toward me. "Quit living to please others. Quit living to appease God. Just live in freedom"(location 269).

Thank you, Lord, for your Word and your Spirit's conviction. It truly doesn't return void.

How are your roles putting a 'yoke of slavery' on you? How might you break free?