The truth is...

Today has been an awful and rewarding day. Britton gave me a day of rest and reflection. The day started with Britton going to breakfast with a friend while both Caden and Grady woke up crying. They both have colds and cried until Britton got back (it was only 9am at this point). Our house helper came 45 minutes late, which made me have a very righteous attitude going into my 'heart-check' time. Grady was awake, so he ended up being with me while Britton did language. I was beginning to think this 'alone' time wasn't going to happen. I got Grady to sleep and decided to get some rest as well. Even as I slept I heard Caden crying and yelling. I felt like I couldn't even be alone in my sleep! I treasure my alone time. I need time to think in order to function. By lunch time, I had no time to myself. After lunch, I fed Grady and headed to a coffee shop. I figured I had about 20 minutes after my very crowded bus ride to really reflect before I needed to go to the store and head home. Wow...a whopping 20 minutes after an entire day was planned. As I was walking to the coffee shop I simply prayed, 'Lord please let this time be effective.' I ended up spending more time there and just tried to be transparent in my journal. I feel like my time was stretched, and the Lord really spoke to my heart. I usually just use our blog to share photos and stories of our adventures and our growing family, but I want to be open and share my struggles in hopes that it encourages someone else who is struggling.

One really influential source that's guided a lot of my thinking is an awesome devotional/book that my cousin recommended..."Out of the Spin Cycle: Devotions to Lighten Your Mother Load" by Jen Hatmaker. This book has really encouraged me, and if you're a young mother I highly recommend it. About transparency, she says:

When we operate from the central concern of being seen a certain way, we can't develop healthy relationships in the messy soil of reality--the only place they'll [your children] grow. Presenting a perfect, fake life to others generates fear in our own hearts and intimidation in everyone else's, and creates nice, fake relationships--with our friends, with our family members, even with our own children....Authenticity ranks terribly high on Jesus's list of required attributes. It's not how good we are that counts, but how truthful we are about how good we're not. Only then can Jesus get busy developing us into the redeemed daughters we already are in him.

That's what I always want to be...transparent. If I want to be real with anyone else, I must first be real with myself. I've been spiritually dry lately. I've needed refueling even if just for a little bit each day. I've been wading in deep waters and dangerously sinking. Jen Hatmaker really encouraged me with her words that I need to be spiritually full to function in life:

When God's Word is flowing through my life, my baby can spill his fourth drink of the day and I can say, 'It's just a drink.' When I'm spiritually dry, I could literally lie on the soggy floor and bawl over it. When Jesus has spoken peace into my life, I'm able to discipline consistently when my toddler pitches her third tantrum of the morning. If my pitcher is empty, I might lock myself in the bathroom and scream at the top of my lungs. Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks [Matthew 12:34-35]. If nothing good is stored up, where are we possibly going to draw patience? Grace? Longsuffering? Young motherhood is too demanding to attempt without a deep connection to Christ. I literally don't know how women do it without him.

And with acknowledging my spiritual dryness, here's my thoughts from my journal.

It's amazing when I think back to what life was like when I first started this book (nearly a decade ago). I dream of the days where I could sleep in, watch some TV or a movie, draw or make something, organize or clean something. I had all the alone time in the world and all my thoughts. Sometimes I idolize that season in life, and I think those were the days. Now I'm barely coming up for air as I try to find moments of alone time for my thoughts to develop. My toddler is screaming in the other room and my three month old is sitting by my side chewing his hand and glaring a hole through my head waiting to be fed. I'm juggling motherhood, taking care of my home, trying to thrive in another culture while my own slips away, dealing with an opinionated house helper, learning another language, figuring out what food to feed my family in hopes that it will some way nourish them, and salvaging any effort to put into my marriage.

No matter how hard I try in life, I always seem to come up short. I slowly slip into depression, because well, it gets depressing when I run myself ragged all for what? This alone time is supposed to be spent reflecting on what I'm doing and if it's for God's glory. The truth is I often have no clue what I'm doing. Most days I'm just trying to keep the peace. I'm trying to keep things in order. I dream I am the talented, well put-together wife who is raising naturally obedient children who call me blessed. The truth is I feel like I'm raising little hellions who scream and pitch fits 50 times a day (ok, right now that's just the 2 year old) while I just try to stay cordial with my husband. I can't even think about doing something special for him or us go on a date because once arranging childcare and figuring out what to do we're exhausted.

What am I doing here? The truth? I'm sinking in deep waters trying to stay afloat and cherishing the few moments that make me laugh and that make life seem worthwhile like my son obeying the first time I ask him to do something or him running up to me to give me a hug; or my husband stopping to give me a hug and reminding me we are a team; or my 3 month old smiling at me like I am God's gift to him; or a random person coming into my life and turning into a meaningful friendship; or the moments I do have to slip away with my thoughts to reassess my mindset; or the times I can escape this culture and have a taste of my own; or the times I really enjoy this culture!

My focus has been so off. My focus has been trying and trying and trying some more to make life run smoothly. This is life! This is a broken world, and I'm part of it where efforts are simply not enough. It is the second part of my question that I need to focus on--am I doing this for the glory of God? Every season in life, God has me doing something different, but am I doing it for His glory? Right now, my answer is no. I have been living life for my own glory. I just want to be noticed, acknowledged, praised. This is why I try so hard, and this is why I fail so often.

So, what am I to do now? Start simple. I want my thoughts and everything I do to be directed to the Lord. I want to dwell in Him and operate out of His strength so I live with a freeing peace that gives my life purpose instead of trying on my own and ending up depressed. The seasons change, but my purpose does not. My life before a husband and kids was fulfilling, and now with a husband and kids it is equally fulfilling because my purpose remains the same. I want to stop and remember my purpose in LIFE: to bring glory to God. Wherever I am and whatever season I'm in, whether I have all the time in the world or whether my day is packed full, I want to remember that I have a great and important purpose in bringing glory to the Creator of the Universe and the Savior of my heart. He is my King, my Lord, my Friend. I am grateful, for my life is truly blessed.

The Lord's Word does not return void:
[straight from Jesus Himself to my heart]
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
~Matthew 6:25-34
I want to dwell on being a servant, persistence, patience, and longsuffering. I try so hard to appear put together, but I'm far from it. I usually end up on the other side and become entitled thinking I deserve so much.

In the devotional I mentioned, she writes about entitlement:

But when I took that [motherhood] as my identity, I developed a sense of entitlement and did a lot of waiting around for credit. I held the emotional position that I was doing everyone a favor. This top-down perspective tainted everything, because if I wasn't perfectly appreciated, adequately recognized, or verbally praised (and what mom is?), then I became the wounded martyr who was always disgruntled....We are not doing our husbands and children a favor. We are intentional servants, consciously deferring to the needs of those God entrusted to us. We make the near-constant decision to cast off selfishness and resist entitlement. We deliberately choose 'servant' with all our faculties in place, exactly as Jesus did in all his strength and glory....When I choose 'servant' instead of 'martyr,' my children enjoy the security that they are welcomed in our home. They are not a thorn in my flesh, cutting into my personal time. They aren't a nuisance, making me sigh with irritation all day. They are welcomed members of this family, loved and purposed. And when my children are welcomed, I have opened the very doors of heaven and invited God himself into the laughter, chaos, and life of our home.

I have a glorious purpose in life to bring glory to God. As life rolls on, may I never forget his purpose for me:

"You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."

~Matthew 5:14-16